It’s simple to love unconditionally when we are unattached to how things should be.
That’s why the Universe rewards us with flow when we remove our attachments
to outcomes, to how things should play out or look like,
so that we can simply share love more freely.
Remain open to each bare moment and ask,
"What would Love Do?"
And remember,
Love is Fiercely Self Compassionate,
firstly.
Whilst exploring, processing, feeling, allowing and embracing my own deep, dark, yucky painful feelings over the years, I’ve had people tell me, advise me, warn me, that I’m too sensitive, too deep, too negative, too emotional, too "trapped in ego"; that I’m troubled, broken, un-enlightened, sick, even mentally ill. Yes, I regard the 17 months I spent in those institutions as a wonderful time of growth and healing. I remain grateful to those who have either worked in or have walked that path.
I do understand our collective fear of raw emotion, our need to flee the darkness and “seek the light”!
Yet I discovered, by coming close to death through multliple suicide attempts and finding only more life, there is really nothing to fear.
There is no darkness, no “negativity”, when you truly face what’s hurting inside.
On occasion, when I’ve been in jokey, lighthearted and creative moods, in touch with the absurdity and comedy and silliness and art of life, I’ve had people tell me that I’m not deep enough, not spiritual enough, not serious enough; that I’m using humour as a defence and my joy is fake and only a facade. I enjoy laughing my arse off. loudly, and totally get The Great Cosmic Joke. This was not always the case.
Of course I understand the distrust of those who cannot access their own joyful inner child, the artist within. Those who have been conditioned to stuff the joy of living down.
I once was one Of them. For far too long.
But I came to see, we ALL need access to that beautifully spontaneous and free and wild one.
My inner child destroyed me and saved me. I love tiny Tony for showing me, me.
We all need to laugh outrageoulsy at ourselves sometimes. I do it now, daily.
In the past, when I’ve set boundaries, said no, drawn a line around what‘s okay for me and thereby defined what is not okay, I’ve had people tell me that I’m afraid, that I’m running from intimacy, emotionally immature; that I’m traumatised, in need of help, relationally damaged and that boundaries aren’t real.
I understand the dislike of boundaries! It’s hard to hear “no” from someone.
Remember, boundaries are soft landing spots, for your own self care, not armoured prison walls to lock others out. Harsh reactions or passive aggressive silence to you setting self care boundaries simply shows where their respect for you ends.
I have been helped to understand, through being on the receiving end of powerful and honest and loving No’s over the years, that love should say No. We simply listen to the why.
I would rather take the short term pain of respectful honesty than the deeper and chronic pain of resentment and simmering rage which I also lived through in a past 28 year relationship.
Even our deepest feelings of rejection and abandonment and “not good enough” can be flushed with understanding and compassion. Watch how people react to your No's too. If there is anger or rage, you have probably said no to something toxic anyway.
Boundaries can help us heal, and even bring us closer.
So yes, I’ve been called cold, robotic, inhuman, detached, narcissistic, aloof when I haven’t been able or willing to meet another’s needs. When their energy feels like it's drowning me. When they have further to ground and descend into them Self. Let other's own their unhealed projections. Fully. With Love.
I understand the crushing (and often unconscious!) disappointment when our wants or needs aren’t satisfied by another.
Disappointment, disillusionment and despair have truly been my greatest teachers. I embrace them as close allies. The Path is Everywhere.
When I’ve walked my path, followed my heart - not always knowing where it would lead me - and broken away from what was expected or demanded of me, and stepped out of my fearful childhood conditioning, I’ve been called selfish, reckless, an abandoner, doomed to ridicule and ultimate failure
Thank you abusive religious high school, thank you ancient biggoted and racist family of origin wounds, thank you inter generational DNA epigenetics.
I know the courage it takes to walk one’s own unique path, and the (often unconscious) jealousy, fear, longing and even rage our freedom can trigger in others who have not yet found their own courage. Freedom to Be (Me) is The Highest Calling and why controllers can still trigger my buttons. And that's Ok as I Thank them for their reminders of who I Am and the virtues I hold dear.
I understand the terror of creative and personal freedom, and the longing for it, and how states of jealousy and envy can be so very hard to digest or even tolerate.
It is certainly easier to judge another than take full responsibility for ourselves.
Atma Gnanam, Absolute Bliss and Love as Moksha, has been my kindest teacher. Liberation is here now, if you so choose. If a problem remains, you are it.
From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank every single one of my ‘critics’ over the years (including my own inner ‘critic’, perhaps the loudest voice of them all!).
You were all right, from your own perspective.
You shook me, broke me, awakened and healed me, closed me and opened me and brought me to the edge.
You tested my resolve and forced me to get closer and closer to my raw and honest truth.
Of who I Am...
You have all been my gurus, whether you know it or not.
And I thank you for The Love.
